


The way back home

by lunaimez



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion, Mad Science, Non-Linear Narrative, Science Bros, Sorry Not Sorry, not romantic - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7972600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaimez/pseuds/lunaimez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve decides that it's for the best to delete James Buchanan Barnes from his memory. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The way back home

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write a story exploring the friendship and history between Steve and Bucky and for some reason this particular idea wouldn't let me go. 
> 
> Concrit and comments are always gladly welcomed. This hasn't been beta read so any mistakes are all my own.

Steve is running.

He’s running along a beach, white pickets dotting the sand like disjointed teeth. He can feel the wind and salt stinging his cheeks. The sky is a deep and desolate grey.

It would be a beautiful scene ahead of him but Steve knows that _something_ is coming, something is right behind him now so he can’t slow down and enjoy it.

He realises that he is in Montauk – he used to come fishing here with Bucky back in  (his old life) the _past_. He’s not sure why he’s here now.

He sinks into the sand as he runs, staggering between the soft and hard textures, it’s dragging his feet down no matter how hard he tries - he’s finding it uncharacteristically hard to breathe – but he knows he has to keep going.

A figure is ahead of him on the beach, looking out to sea, completely unconcerned.  Steve runs towards the figure. He can see now it’s a man dressed in a black jacket and a baseball cap, long hair tucked underneath.

As he reaches him the wind picks up and Steve tries to warn him of what’s coming, to tell him he needs to run - but Steve’s words are lost to the gale.  The man finally turns towards him, long dark hair billowing around his face. His eyes are grey like the sky.

Steve gasps.   

“Is it coming?” Bucky asks.

Steve can barely hear him over the wind howling now, it’s so loud

“Yes.” Steve manages.

Bucky’s smiling now, softly, sadly.

“I’m sorry pal.” Bucky says, and Steve knows he means by that that they cannot escape it.  

Steve can feel it behind him now- Bucky reaches out for him. Bucky's hands are dry and papery against his own sweaty palms.

“I tried.” Steve manages.

“I know you did. We both did.”

Bucky pulls him into a bear hug then- he smells like cigarettes and sweat and salt.

Steve can feel coldness pull at his back but it’s not the wind- it’s something else. He can feel it pulling his jacket away. The sun is suddenly gone – the ocean roars behind Bucky and he can feel Bucky shaking as they hold each other in the dark. 

Underneath his feet he can feel the sand shifting.

It’s so very cold. 

The world is being swallowed around them.

Bucky whispers in his ear and Steve feels the stubble rasping against his face.  A kiss hastily pressed to his cheekbone.

“I’ll meet you here Steve. Next time.”

> 

Steve awakens with a start, gasping for air. He’s sure he can almost feel the sea mist on his face. He can smell the lingering scent of cigarette smoke. He lies in bed limply, trying to control his breathing until he can feel the hammering in his chest slow down.

Just a dream.

Bucky is still gone. The world is still as it is.

Steve presses a hand to the bridge of his nose and suppresses a sob.

Just a dream.

> 

Steve sees the advertisement late one night -a night where he's spent far too long listening to Peggy Lee in a trance and he's woken up gasping from a nightmare.

He turns on the TV - just waiting for the usual (panic) _tightness_ in his chest to dissipate.  
  
And he sees Pepper's face on the TV and is momentarily startled.  
  
It's an ad for Starktech- she is wearing a white suit and (inexplicably) a white lab coat and she looks strikingly beautiful. He pays attention, mainly because she is familiar and familiar is good when he's feeling like this.  
  
"Hello, I'm Virginia Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, and I'm here to talk to you about an exciting new development for mental health wellness. Are you suffering from post traumatic stress disorder? Or going through a difficult relationship break down?”  
  
Steve sits bolt upright.  
  
"At Starktech Wellness, we have now developed a new procedure which can help you just...forget your problems. Using advanced neurological mapping and the most advanced technology in the world we can make any kind of troublesome memory melt away."  
  
A pretty brunette woman appears on the screen. Steve dimly notes he can almost see her nipples visible through her sweater and he wonders if this was deliberate on the part of the advertising firm.  
  
"So I was in a relationship for five years and then when my boyfriend broke up with me, I was just lost. My friends and family said that all I could do was think about him and I couldn't move on. I went to conventional therapy but it didn't help- the break up was starting to affect my job and my whole life. But then I had the procedure done and had my ex boyfriend removed from my memories- now I can't even remember his name! My friends say I'm like a new person now! Thank you so much Stark Industries!"  
  
Peppers soothing, sweet voice again.  
  
"This revolutionary new procedure works by removing explicit memories of events, individuals and all associated stimuli. It's completely safe and clinically proven to be more effective than cognitive behavioural therapy alone."  
  
Steve stares at the television, a desperate thought beginning to form at the back of his mind.  
  
Pepper smiles serenely at him, across the still dark room. So beautiful and so reassuring. Steve swallows thickly.  
  
"After all, don't _you_ deserve to have a better quality of life? Call your local Starktech consultant and book in for a free initial assessment today."  
  
Across the bottom of the screen a legal disclaimer flashes: technology not suitable for people with epilepsy, neurological disorders or recent brain surgery. So fast, probably only Steve could catch it.

He thinks about it. And thinks about it some more.

He thinks about Bucky.

Steve knows he doesn’t want to discuss it with Sam – he knows Sam’s thoughts on these types of things.  
  
So he goes straight to the source itself.  
  
>  
  
Tony Stark looks baffled at the prospect- and Steve has to wait a full minute for him to digest what Steve has proposed to him before Tony finally answers, actually bothering to take off his sunglasses indoors to look Steve in the face.

He’s nursing a glass of scotch at 10 am in the morning, a habit which Steve has decided to chalk down to eccentricity rather than a substance abuse problem. After all, he has seen Tony eat sushi for breakfast before.   
  
"So let me get this straight- you want us to remove portions of your memory in order to forget _James Barnes_?"  
  
Steve pauses, because he's not sure how to explain to Stark about the long lonely nights and how sometimes he misses Bucky so much it's like something gnawing in his chest, something that has burrowed under his skin.  
  
How he has nightmares where Bucky is still falling and falling and it feels like the pain will never fade.  
  
 "Yes. This new technology- it's safe right?"  
  
"You think I would let something like this go to market without extensive clinical trials and testing?"  
  
There is a pause while Steve vaguely remembers the disastrous release of the Starktech Avengers-branded sex toys the previous fall. From the look on Tony's face it seems like he might be remembering that particular PR nightmare too.  
  
"Yeah. Of _course_ it's safe. Uh, the techs say the procedure is like very mild brain damage. Like a night of heavy drinking."

Tony shrugs, as though perhaps mild brain damage was something that occurred every day with favourable results.

“But you are sure that this sort of procedure is what you want to do though? Have you tried you know, doctors-"Tony makes a vaguely dismissive gesture at his head.  
  
"Therapy hasn't helped with the memories."

Steve stops just short of saying he thinks it's useless because it feels traitorous to him when he considers how much Sam has helped him otherwise. Stark picks up on the unspoken words though.  
  
"Ah a man after my own heart when it comes to therapy. See, I prefer to self medicate.” Tony raises the scotch glass smugly.

“I can’t self medicate.” Steve says simply.  “I just…I just think this is the best way to do it. He was my best friend, and I wish I could just forget.”

"That's basically the technology's catch phrase."

Another idea occurs to Steve just then.

“Do you think it could cause problems if I came across references to Bucky later on?"  
  
Tony looks pensive and takes a sip of scotch.  
  
"Well, there isn't a huge amount of data on long term memory processing at this point. I suppose if you were exposed to new cues about your friend it’s possible latent memories could arise. But we haven't seen that occur in any of our post procedure clients yet who are regularly exposed to cues.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Tony quickly rearranges his features into a look which could pass for casual disinterest.

“Pepper had the procedure done when we broke up three months and she hasn’t had any issues at all.”

Steve is left dumbfounded. He hadn’t even noticed she hadn’t been around that much – assuming she was busy with work. He wonders what it must be like for Tony to see her, every day on Starktech billboards and advertisements and pamphlets- knowing the whole time that she can’t remember ever loving him at all.  

“I didn’t want her, you know, to do it.” Tony suddenly says, interrupting Steve’s train of thought. “We hadn’t quite completed the clinical trials. But she insisted and you know Pep, whatever the lady wants she gets right?”

Tony gives Steve a tight lipped smile – Steve eyes the glass of scotch and wonders how long Tony’s been drinking in the morning.

 “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. It was better this way.” Tony shrugs. 

“I still want to try it.”

“Yeah yeah, that’s fine Cap – tell you what, I’ll get Banner to complete the procedure for you.”

“Bruce?”

“Yeah,” Tony says, draining his scotch and awkwardly pulling his sunglasses back onto his face.  “You think I’m gonna just let some half-wit _Princeton_ educated technician delete _your_ memories? Fuck no.”

At Steve’s look he adds. “Well Banner helped Starktech design and implement the technology- I merely patented it and make a lot of money off of it.”

Steve nods numbly. 

>  


This is how Steve ends up in a chair in front of Bruce Banner with an array of electrodes strapped to his head. Banner - to his credit- seems at ease with the entire process. Steve wonders if it was Bruce who also undertook the procedure on Pepper. He suspects that it would have been, as Tony would not trust anyone else.  

“Just relax.” Banner says soothingly, placing electrodes and clipping cables onto Steve’s head at random intervals. They itch and feel sticky where Bruce has shaved his hair, but Steve supposes he has suffered worse.

“Did you bring the things on the list?”

Steve nods, swallowing thickly. He had collected the items the night before- feeling a pang even when he put them in the garbage bag. An old tin mug. A photograph. A pamphlet from the Smithsonian. Various medals.

Steve had examined the list of items required provided and noted it even included “ _Brand of contraceptives specifically used with (name of person)._ ”  

“I’m not sure if I got everything on the list though.”

“Ah, we don’t need every single item if you don’t have them. It’s just those ones which can potentially invoke a memory and a strong emotional response. I’ll be able to make a map through those primary memories.”

Banner clips on more cables, taps on a keyboard, fiddles around some more. He makes it look almost effortless but Steve is suddenly very aware he is rigged up to millions of dollars worth of technology which could potentially destroy his brain.  

 “Okay Steve, I’m going ask you some questions and we’re going to start mapping memories about James.”

Banner taps at his keyboard intently.

“Steve, what is the full name of the person you have decided to erase from your memories today?”

“James Buchanan Barnes.”

 Bruce turns away from Steve for a moment, rummages through a garbage bag and shows him a pamphlet which Steve remembers hastily stuffing into the bag. It’s from the Smithsonian museum – one from the exhibit about Captain America – it’s a featuring a photo of him and Bucky in their uniforms, smiling. Both of them look happy.

“Please look at this photograph for me. Is this a photograph of James Buchanan Barnes?”

Steve draws in a breath.

“Yes.”

“What was James’ date of birth?”

“March tenth, nineteen seventeen.”

“Where was he born?”

Steve hesitates. “He wasn’t from New York like me, he was born in Indiana. I don’t-  I don’t know the town though.”

“Okay. And where did you first meet James Barnes?”  

“We met when we were kids.”

“Could you be a little bit more specific with dates and locations?” Bruce prompts, tapping something into his keyboard and frowning at the readout on the monitor.

“We met in Brooklyn, New York.”

“What year?”

“Nineteen twenty nine.”

“And where did you meet?

“Yeah. We uh,” Steve pauses, recollecting. “We met outside of school - he was new to the place and uh, we actually met because someone was beating me up. That would go on to be a recurring theme for us.”

Bruce smiles at that.

“Tell me what happened that day?”

 

> 

_“Give it to me”_

_“No!”_

_“Al, you hear this little fairy?”_

_“I’m not giving you my money!”_

_“Look kid, just give it to me and I won’t bust your face up too bad.”_

_“Yeah well you’ve already busted it!”_

_Steve’s scuffling now in the older kid’s grasp, but Al is so much bigger. He’s at least thirteen and Steve is only eleven. He’s already bleeding from his nose and it’s dripped all over his new shirt and his ma is going to be mad about it but he’s sure as hell not giving up the thirty cents she gave him to buy bread. He manages to spit a good lurgie- spectacularly streaked with blood straight into Al’s face with a grin of satisfaction._

_“You little shit!”_

_“Hey hey! What’s going on here?”_

_>  _

 “These kids were trying to take money that my ma had given me and Bucky saw them bulling me. He stopped them from beating me up, uh, some more." Steve pauses. "Bucky was a boxer you know, he started training when he was ten. He looked young but he knew how to fight. He taught me how to box.”

Bruce looks surprised at this. 

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, he was a great fighter. And he beat the hell out of those two kids.”  

> 

_The guy who scares the bullies off is taller than Steve (no surprise), sturdily built, grey eyed and dark haired. He actually manages to get a good kick into Al’s backside as Al runs and he looks quite satisfied with himself._

_When he looks back at Steve he looks almost impish but Steve supposes if he stood up for a little guy getting beaten up he can’t be half bad._

_“You always have a habit of fighting with guys twice your size? Cause I gotta tell you, it ain’t much good for your health.”_

_“Yeah well they started it!” Steve protests, wiping blood away from his face with his sleeve._

_“Hey hey, not judging, just saying.” The boy frowns. “It’s not right for kids that age to be picking on you.”_

_“Says you.” Steve spits. He thinks about just last week where little Sally Ward threw a rock at his face and busted his eyebrow just because she could. He would never hit a girl back though. His ma taught him better than that._

_“Well you’re no pushover.”_

_“Never gonna be, even if I’m scrawny.” Steve declares._

_The boy eyes Steve with interest. “What’s your name?”_

_“Steve Rogers. Yours?”_

_“James. But everyone calls me Bucky. You know, back home.”_

_“Where y’from?”_

_“Indiana.”_

_“Just moved here?_

_“Yeah. Haven’t got a lot of pals here yet.”_

_Steve eyes him back._

_“You wanna be pals then?”_

_Bucky laughs, and for a moment Steve thinks he’s going to tell him to scram, that he could do better than a scrawny little kid from Brooklyn as his pal._

_But then his eyes light up and he says; “Sure. Someone’s gotta keep you out of trouble.”_

_Steve smiles back – something warm growing in his chest. Bucky smiles back._

> 

“Good Steve. Very good.”

The questions continue.

“What was Bucky’s favourite food?”

(Cold roast beef)

“Where did he train you to box?”

(Goldies boxing gym)

"When was the last time you saw James Barnes?"

(When he fell from the train.")

“And how did you _feel_ when you saw him fall from the train?”

(Like a part of me had died.)

“Do you still think he is alive now?”

(He’s struggling not to cry now. I hope so.)

 

> 

 

The sun has gone down when Bruce finishes questioning him.  Steve is exhausted but he knows that the alternative is Bruce destroying random parts of his brain and he doesn’t really care for that concept.

“I think I have enough now. We should be able to get most of the memories.”

“Not all of them?”

“Well there may always memories which you may not consciously recall.”

Steve tries not to fidget in the chair. "How soon can we do this?"

“We can undertake the procedure tomorrow night." Bruce pauses, pushes his glasses up his nose. 

Steve shakes his hand. 

"Thank you for this."

"Well I like to hope this procedure will bring you some small comfort Captain.” 

Bruce's face is suddenly unreadable.

"I'll bring you the consent form."

>

TBC

 


End file.
